Just mom stuff...

Moms, do you ever just have one of those days? (I know, ridiculous question. Answer is always emphatically - YES!) Well, today is definitely one for me.

Let me preface this blog entry with 3 important truths:

1. I love my husband and son.
2. Of course I know I am blessed.
3. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

This is where I would insert a HUGE "however"...followed by…

I have lost Heather.

Have you seen her? Would you even recognize her if you did see her? I know I certainly wouldn't. That's probably why I can't begin to locate her. She is missing. She is, I'm afraid, gone. Vanished. In hiding, permanently.

Before these "grown up" years, I was free, spunky, laughed (correction: cackled) A LOT, smiled A LOT, hugged A LOT. I sang at the top of my lungs. I performed very random dance acts that were probably hideous but always entertaining. I went to concerts. I went to the theater. I never missed a newly released movie. I could go to Target any time I wanted.

I don't think I realized just how happy I was. If I could just find a slice of that I think I could figure out the rest. But right now, it's hard to even visualize that freedom.

My whole being is centered around the schedule of my child and husband. Seriously. How did I ever allow that to happen? I thought I had more selfishness in me, but apparently not. I need a dose right now because I find myself becoming more and more resentful of what I cannot do, and it would be in my best interest to nip that in the bud. I know that, yet, it's a real struggle to fix the situation. There’s just no room for me in the picture.

Being a stay-at-home mom is wonderful in so many ways. And I adore the time I have with Liam. I know he needs that right now. I think if I had set out originally to BE one, I wouldn't feel so frustrated at this moment. It was not really in the plan, but with Liam being so sick all the time, it made more sense for me to not keep trying to start new jobs and quickly lose them. But now he's reaching an age where I know that if I don't "find myself" soon, he will be in school before I know it and I won't have a clue what to do. And believe me, there is PLENTY that I would love to do right now, but it seems everything I try to do, everything I want to get involved in, no matter how big or small, ends up being inconvenient because of someone's schedule. So even "finding myself" has become an impossible task because there's no room left for Heather at the end of the day.

Fall is coming and soccer referee season is upon us. Let me tell you, as much extra money as William makes doing it, it becomes so not worth it emotionally. This is what it represents to me: every Saturday and Sunday sitting in Flovilla (have you BEEN to Flovilla?), doing basically what I do Monday through Friday of every week. Sure, there are plenty of things we do outdoors, and we do them. But we've already covered it all week long in the afternoons. And going to the soccer field playground just because Daddy is working on the field and might get a break while we are there does NOT constitute fun. Sometimes, you just want to go somewhere with your family. Go see an afternoon movie. Go to Atlanta. In the year I’ve lived here, I’ve not even BEEN into Atlanta. Not for dinner. Not for a show. Not for an afternoon. If it were up to me, that’s where I’d be every weekend. But clearly, it’s not about me at all.

I know that single parents do this everyday. I have such admiration for them. What is difficult is the fact that I am not a single parent, yet I feel like I am much of the time. What's the point in moving your family somewhere for a "better opportunity" when it feels like anything BUT that?

We are in a very small town where opportunities are extremely limited, new friends are few and far between, and things are just slow in general. I'm a city slicker. Even when Liam was smaller and I was home with him, I could drive right down the road to the Louisville YMCA where both mommy and baby could have a little social interaction with their own age group. That opportunity does NOT exist in this county. We’ve made some very nice friends, but coordinating child care on the rare occasions when I feel like sharing my few weekend hours with other people is not so easy. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with these great friends because they really are amazing, it’s that I haven’t even spent quality time with my own husband…or managed to paint my nails in the last 3 months…or plucked my eyebrows. Do you feel me?

I was originally very excited about doing activities at the church and volunteering my time. I can't even sign up for things anymore because I know that unless William is there to take care of Liam, I can't do them. I can't help with events with Liam under my feet, and that's right where he is. And I can't just trust that "someone else" is watching him when they aren't. And most activities are on the weekends. I've gotten to where I don't even sign us up to be at ANYTHING because I know, chances are, it won't work out. And I’m becoming very bitter about our family now “squeezing” church into our routine. What is that about? I used to gravitate to those activities because I thought it would help our family unit to make a better effort to do things together. Now, I don’t even read about them. It’s a complete disconnect from the inevitable disappointment of not getting to participate. And it’s not that we don’t WANT to, it’s that it just isn’t working out.

The other side of this is...I could get a full-time job and totally shift gears. Fine. I am happy to do that, until the first time Liam gets sick at school and has to miss a couple of days. (He's been sick most every week since school has started, by the way.) I'm not going down that road again. It ends up costing us more money than if I just didn't work at all.

I've been wanting to go to an open house for a program at a college in Atlanta. I have had my eye on this for some time and never even gave myself the time to consider it. (You can see why.) Just as I decided I would go, I realized it's next Saturday, the first weekend of soccer. Well, of course it is! That's how things DON'T work out for me. William insisted that we go anyway, so I sent off the postcard. Deep down, I know it's not going to pan out. Whatever. I should be used to it by now.

Cake decorating class. One of the first things I decided to do for myself back in February. I was able to make it to one class only. Classic. And the first class I was in...I was a complete emotional wreck because we were having Liam tested for Cystic Fibrosis that week. I never was able to work it out with my schedule to go back the next 3 weeks to complete the class.

I am desperately trying to find my way out of this depressing hole, but honestly, we've been here for a year and I'm just not seeing it. It actually feels a bit like quicksand. It’s either this town, it’s me, it’s us. I don’t know WHAT it is, but it is not working.

So, it's Labor Day weekend. William refereed a tournament all day yesterday and all day today. He did it for the extra money for us and for no other reason. Of course I am grateful. Yet, after being home with Liam, day in/day out, with no adult conversation, I could have listed 100 other things I would have rather done the last 48 hours than sit in this house and do what we do all other days of the week. And frankly, I am tired of my social opportunities consisting of whatever activity gets crammed into the few hours after he gets home. With such limited time to choose what I would like to do (trust me, it's very limited), it's really frustrating when it's something I really DON'T want to do with those precious hours I have. Maybe all I want to do is sit outside with my family while the sun is still shining (rare occasion). Or take a walk with said family. Or go get ice cream. And I usually end up offending someone if I end up not at their dinner or whatever is going on because I’d rather do one of these other things, but it’s truly not personal against that person. It’s just that, by then, I am exhausted from entertaining. I’d rather not go than to sit and appear miserable and anxious.

Some days, all I want to do is get in the car and drive back home. I know, big baby. This is still very foreign to me down here. I don't know how long that takes to settle or if it ever really does. The truth is, at this point, I don't think I want it to.

I love my son. I love my husband. I love the blessings we have.

But I need to find myself again.

P.S. This is just an emotional outlet. I will be fine in a few hours. You know, until the next thing comes along…