My eyes are to the hills.

I really don't know how anyone gets through life without a faith. I mean, times can be REALLY difficult, and tempting as it can be to lose faith, not having it must be a thousand times worse.

God has been with us our whole lives. God cradled Liam in his arms that night in the ER, and he has continued to cradle our entire family through the ordeal.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. -Psalm 121:1

Liam's Story

Thinking about that week leading up to Liam's hospitalization makes me sick to my stomach. But if it helps any other family for me to describe what happened, I have to do it. I would never want another parent to second guess their instincts. I wish now I had known to take him in even sooner, but we literally only had a week of symptoms. It was that fast. And anyone close to me could tell you that I was worried every single day of that week, knowing something wasn't right with him.

Liam was already sick with a cough and allergies. We had taken him to urgent care the week before. I distinctly recall the weird feeling I had when he was weighed and the scale said 37 pounds. Liam was always around 39-40. He was little, but I thought, maybe because he had been sick for a few days, he had lost some weight. The doctor put him on Amoxicillin and a steroid. Almost the next day, or the day after that, he began asking for "cold water" - "REALLY cold water, Mommy." With that excessive thirst came frequent urination. It was constant - he was wetting the bed every night, but he was on these two medications, so we just kept watching it. By the third or fourth day, I knew it wasn't normal. Then, before I could really figure out what to do next, he had an episode of vomiting on the way to a therapy appointment. I thought...okay...maybe the medication made him nauseated. Still, constant thirst and urination.

On Friday afternoon, I called the pediatrician and talked to a nurse. I explained everything that had transpired over the last week. Her response was that it didn't sound like an emergency and he could probably wait until Monday. I was not happy, but then for a moment, I DID wonder if I was losing it. But almost as soon as I hung up, I started to feel again like something wasn't right. When I picked Liam up from school that day, his teacher said, "He was so thirsty all day. You might want to check him for diabetes." My heart sank.

Diabetes? Could it really be?

I had been texting and talking to so many friends and family over the course of the week, and I even said at one point that I've been worried about diabetes. But we had so much other stuff going on with him that I didn't want to allow myself to bring something else to the table unless it really was a possibility.

That same evening, Liam would not swallow food and began vomiting. William just looked at me and said, "We're taking him." We called the on-call nurse, and she said get him to the emergency room immediately.

Hours later, lethargic and dehydrated, the ER doctor spent a lot of time talking to us, trying to figure out every piece of his medical history (and it is a long one). He prepared us - he said, he has all of the flags for diabetes, but it may not be. The hour we waited for bloodwork seemed like days. The longer we waited, the more I knew. I stared at my baby boy drifting in and out, dark circles under his eyes, so thin and weak.

The ER doctor walked in, cell phone in his hand, and said, "Take a guess at what his blood sugar was. Just take a guess. Pick a number." I was stunned at his question, but before I could answer, his phone rang. He answered and said, "Yes, I've got a barely 5 year old with a 940 blood sugar. Type 1 Diabetes. I need the whole team here."

I think my head just started to swirl immediately. I just stared at Liam, lying there. Before the doctor could even talk to us, the nurses ran in and started hooking him up to IVs and insulin. It was the scariest moment we've ever had with him. By far, the scariest.

The ER doctor took me out of the room and said, "You would have found him in a coma had you not brought him. He has Type 1 Diabetes. You saved his life." Words you never want to hear.

Our sweet boy - the one we have prayed and prayed for his whole life - has yet another battle to fight?

They've told us - you will feel fear, denial, shock, anger, pain. You will need counseling. We feel all of it, but mostly, we feel sad. Sad for him. I know that will pass, or maybe it never will. What we have to do now is focus on finger sticks and insulin injections and strict diet....all day...everyday...for the rest of his life.

I wonder when I'll ever be able to trust anyone to take care of him and to know the signs to look for when his blood sugar is dropping or going up. I wonder how I'll trust that the school will take care of him. I wonder how I'll trust MYSELF to know what to do each and every time something goes wrong.

We have to keep juice or cake icing or glucose tablets on hand all the time. We have to always have his meter and insulin and supplies with us everywhere we go. It's 4-5 insulin shots a day and 4-5 finger sticks a day. Diet is very specific and cannot be overlooked or ignored. Ever.

"No, no! Mommy don't hurt me! Don't stick me with that noodle!" is something I'll never get used to hearing. And I'll go hide in the bathroom and cry if I have to each and every time. Not just because I have to give him a shot but because I wish I could take his place and have this horrible disease instead of him.

We want our children to just be healthy. That's it. They don't have to be super stars at everything or at ANYthing. Just healthy. That's all I ever hoped for. So for right now, I'm going to allow myself to feel sad. Not for long, but for a while.

Liam is a brave soul. He truly is.

When someone ever asks me who my hero is, I will proudly say it is my son. The bravest human being I've ever known.

Liam was finally resting well...and he LOVED the red light on his finger :)

Well, there really aren't words to describe how happy he was to see Gagi. She got there in a flash!

We were blessed to be offered a room at the Ronald McDonald House. It was a beautiful home with a hotel-style room, an enormous kitchen with any food or drinks you can imagine, and a homemade meal every night. Just 2 blocks from the hospital. A blessing in a time of despair.

There has been an outpouring of love and prayers and support that William and I could have never imagined. The phone calls, the emails, the messages...we will never be able to thank you enough. We wouldn't even know where to start. All we can say is, thank you for seeing our precious boy the way we see him - a gift from God.

My cousin said to me, "You don't have time to have the nervous breakdown you deserve." That is the most adequate way to describe where I am emotionally at this time. Liam's health is at the forefront of everything we do and it will be forever.

Another cousin said, "One day you will get your reward."

When Liam gets his, that will be ours.

The long road...

On Saturday, January 8, 2011, in the wee hours of the morning, Liam was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Our lives have forever changed. But our strength and devotion has multiplied, and so has our love for him.

Day 4

On our way to speech therapy yesterday afternoon, Liam was enjoying his Leapster in the backseat...and I was enjoying my new Train CD. Suddenly, I hear the sound of Liam getting sick...and I mean, getting SICK! I look in my mirror and see his Leapster and his lap covered in it. Oh.my.goodness! What now?! Poor thing was sitting there with his hands up, like, "Clean me, clean me!" and crying because it scared him. So, we pulled into the ONLY gas station on that highway, I grabbed a blanket from the back of the car, cleaned him up a little and we headed back home. No therapy this week :(

This morning when he woke up, he said, "I don't feel quite right." ('Quite right' is his new favorite phrase.) So, no school today either.

So, we are just taking it easy today...and i mean easy.

Breakfast

Detour low-sugar protein bar (I said I wasn't going to eat these every morning, but I actually like them!). 170 calories

1/2 c. skim milk - 50 calories

Lunch

Roasted squash - one piece of squash, sliced length-wise, brushed with olive oil, sprinkled with Paula Deen's silly salt, and topped with a little parmesan cheese...under the broiler for about 5 minutes. Easy Peasy! Squash has very few calories, so I'm estimating UP with the oil, seasoning, and cheese and going with 100 calories.

Cheese Toast - one deli thin, topped with low-fat sharp cheddar and under the broiler for 3 minutes. 150 calories

1/2 a pear - 40 calories

Snack

pretzels - 70 calories

Dinner

So when I said we were taking it easy, I had fully planned for us to finish off leftovers or have a lean cuisine. But then as I started looking at what we had, it seemed like it would be just as easy to make some of those wrap pizzas again. And fewer calories than what I was looking at in our fridge. (For example, I grabbed a Smart Ones pizza that is 370 calories - which is on the higher end of what I usually get with a frozen meal. But a homemade wrap pizza is usually less than that and tastes better!)

So...for me, it was a Flat Out sundried tomato wrap pizza with turkey pepperoni, mozzarella and feta cheeses, oregano and ground flax seed sprinkled on the sauce. It was delicious! 320 calories

Before dessert...I'm at 890.

Dessert

Peanut Butter Cup - 1 Tbsp. natural pb melted, 1/2 cup low fat choc. ice cream, sugar free cool whip...swirled it up - yum! 220 calories

TOTAL for the day: 1110 calories

Day 3

Wow. Just 3 days of eating like I should, and I feel like I should!

So.much.better!

Breakfast

1/2 c. milk - 50 calories
1/2 of the reduced sugar protein plus power bar - 135 calories

Snack

Pear w/cinnamon and splenda sprinkled - 80 calories

Lunch

Leftover garlic shrimp and broccoli over noodles. Not having as much for lunch as I did for dinner, so fewer calories. 300 calories

Dinner

Pork Chops (dipped in egg whites and skim milk, rolled in whole wheat bread crumbs, crushed cereal, garlic, Paula Deen's silly salt, chili powder, pepper and baked - YUM!), garlic/parmesan green beans, and toasted pine nut couscous. 400 calories

Dessert

"Peanut Butter Cup" - 1/2 c. low fat chocolate ice cream, 1 Tbsp. low glycemic peanut butter melted with a few chocolate chips, and a dollop of sugar free cool whip. Swirl it together and yummy! 200 calories

TOTAL: 1165 calories

Day 2

I've been suffering from some "getting to sleep" issues. I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but it is really starting to get to me. I can feel tired at around 8:30-9:00 and think, "I'm going to bed." Then I'm tossing and turning for hours, and before I know it, it's midnight. So I'm not waking up as my best self. Once I get a workout routine going, I'm hoping I will sleep better.

I'm keeping today simple on the consumption.

Breakfast

Power Bar* - reduced sugar - peanut butter and chocolate. (Ingles had these 10 for $10, so I grabbed a few to try.) I compared almost the entire shelf full of various health bars, and these had the fewest fat and calories, with only 1 g of sugar (most others have 17 g!). 270 calories

*I got these only for "every now and then" meals. There is no way that I could do these all the time.

Snack

Pear - 80 calories

Lunch

Salad - Romaine, tomatoes, feta cheese, and Olive Garden dressing :) 100 calories

Smart Ones meal - 190 calories

Dinner

Flat Out wrap (sundried tomato) pizzas. We made 3 different kinds so we could each have our own! You just place the tortilla wrap on the baking sheet, spray or brush with olive oil, and bake for about 5-7 minutes to get it a little crisp. Take it out and make your pizza of choice!

For myself, I made a tomato-feta-mozzarella pizza. This is one of my favorite kinds of pizza - I really don't prefer meat on mine. I sliced up on-the-vine tomatoes into chunks and put them in a bowl, drizzled with a little olive garden dressing, sprinkled with garlic, pepper, and oregano. Spread this mixture onto the tortilla, topped with mozzarella, feta, and parmesan cheeses (and I didn't go overboard on the cheese because it had so much flavor from the seasonings).

For William, it was turkey pepperoni and onion. He was thrilled!

For Liam, cheese :)

These all varied in calories, but mine was probably the least because it didn't have the pepperoni, but to be safe, I'm going to give it 350 calories. (And, it was so filling that I only ate 3/4 of it.)

So...for the day (without dessert)...I'm at 990. Not bad!

Dessert

"Banana Split" - 117 calories

TOTAL for the day: 1107

Day 1

Today had an interesting start. Apparently, I did NOT get the memo that school starts on Tuesday. We drove to his school (with Liam repeating over and over, "I don't WANT to go to school"), all to meet another confused mom at the entrance who said, "Apparently, today is an in-service day." What?!


It's funny how you have intuitions. Last night, just before falling to sleep, I thought to myself, "School DOES start tomorrow, right? I didn't even look at the calendar." I just assumed since most other schools began the Monday after the New Year's holiday, so would Liam's.


Imagine the thrill for Liam. You should have seen his face. It was like Christmas all over again. I swear, sometimes I think he is NOT my child. While I certainly had days of not wanting to go to school, I pretty much couldn't wait to see my friends each day. Not him. Home school would probably be a dream come true for him.


So...my workout routine for the morning was shot. But...that's okay. My diet was not.


My main objective here is low calorie (1200/day), low fat, and low sugar. I've done really well on South Beach in the past, but with the exception of the first time in which I managed to get down to a size 8 (and I look at pictures from that time and think, how in the world did I do it and stay that way?), I've found that it's really difficult to run places and do things on that diet. It's just too restrictive in the first weeks, so one mess up, and you're off track.


I still wonder how I did it back then, though. One thing was, I worked outside the home. And I ate around that schedule, instead of whenever I want. Another thing was, I hadn't been pregnant or had a baby, both of which changes everything. And since having Liam, I've had several miscarriages, which has wreaked havoc on my body. I already have hormonal issues, throw in a few unsuccessful pregnancies and, what is probably PMDD, and most of my days I feel bloated and tired. I am praying a good change of diet and exercise will help me overcome some of this.


So, here begins the journaling. I'm going to try to be as detailed as possible because, if it helps someone else, that's great! Also, it helps me to go back and see what I did right or wrong.


I'm listing the calorie totals - and if anything, I estimate UP, so that I don't fool myself. Sometimes, I don't measure exactly, so I'd rather think it was higher than lower.


Breakfast

PB and Banana Smoothie - 1 Tbsp. pb, banana, skim milk, ice, and blend. 220 calories



Lunch


Romaine salad - romaine, tomatoes, cucumbers, low-fat cheese, Olive Garden dressing (YUM!). 150 calories


Cup of homemade turkey vegetable soup - fat free chicken and beef broth, tomato sauce, leftover turkey from Christmas, fresh carrots, frozen lima beans, can of diced tomatoes, diced red potatoes, onions, Jane's mixed-up salt, garlic. I made a crockpot full of this - I researched other similar recipes and it looks to be around 50 calories per serving. I'm just going with that.



So...even before dinner, I've had 420 calories. It's really NOT hard to do. It requires me staying busy outside of the kitchen. :)

Dinner

Garlic Shrimp and broccoli on a bed of whole wheat noodles...and cheese "toast". I know the noodles are around 200 calories for the serving I had - then the shrimp with broccoli is around 150 maybe. The cheese toast was around 50 calories. So, for the whole dinner - 400 calories.

TOTAL for the day is 820 calories.

And I still have room for dessert :)

Dessert

Yoplait fat free light strawberry shortcake yogurt with a sprinkle of Honey Bunches "Pecan Clusters" cereal - around 150 calories.

COMPLETE: 970 calories

What a new year!

I'm hopeful. And this is why.

My plans for 2011 aren't really anything spectacular, but if successful, will be life altering. In no particular order, this is how I see my life changing this year:

1. I visualize a healthy, stronger physical body...and a healthier, stronger mental one, as well. We've had plenty of things to endure in the last year, but it was really only the start of it. Now is when we actually 'endure' it, so I'm going to need to be stronger. And so will the rest of my crew.

2. Less Facebook...and more face. That is, face-to-face. The absolute only positive thing I have experienced from Facebook is a reconnection I have made with some of my family and friends that otherwise I probably could not have. Seeing my cousins and their families, chatting with old friends from high school and college, and meeting family I've never known are the reasons I sign on. But, on the other end of the spectrum, some of my relationships that really should be face-to-face, like more immediate family, or people who live in the same small town as I do, are becoming solely facebook relationships. And I just find that absurd. If the only way my family or close friends know about my family life (and I theirs) is through my daily status, then we have more problems than Facebook. So, I'm taking charge of myself in that way. They will have to do the same if they want to know about us. And whatever will be, will be.

3. Speaking of taking charge, I will be from now on. Some of you might laugh and think, well how is that any different from now? (Very funny.) But, there are many things I haven't taken charge of, and from now on, I will. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. Period.

So how will these things come to be?

1. As for my physical self, morning workouts and a special diet are underway. But it's not going to end there. I'm bringing it to my blog as a journal. Bold, I know. What if I fail? Well, IF I do, then the world will know it. But, for me, that in itself is a motivator. I have an amazing friend from college that has transformed herself through, what she calls an 'addiction' to health and fitness, but it's what I call truly LIVING. I wish I had done it years ago, but I didn't, so I have a lot of work to do. And this awesome lady has offered to be my accountability partner, so I jumped at that chance! Here we go!

2. Mental self? Well, there's a lot of baggage, but what I've been told is that when my physical self starts to improve, so will my mental. I'm going to give that some time to do it's thing, but in the meantime, I'm putting some techniques into place. One is, standing up for myself and for my family. No more letting others tell us how things are going to be in certain situations, no more being made to feel bad about doing the right thing for our son, no more ANY of it. I know it will likely make me look like some kind of crazy woman for speaking my mind, but that's only because I've allowed it to go on for so long.

My mother lives by the motto of *DILLIGARA*. If you are unfamiliar, google it. It has now become my motto.

3. How am I going to boycott Facebook? Well, 'boycott' is harsh. I'm just simply staying off of it. Just to show how addicting it had become, I accidentally signed on this morning after announcing that I was taking a break. Purely accidental. But if I'm really working hard at all the other stuff, Facebook should seem like an afterthought.

So, there it is, short and sweet. I'm so excited about 2011 and what it will mean for our family. Liam has already come a long way since his diagnosis, and we are in the process of accessing more services for him. I can't wait to see how he has improved by this time next year.

What I wish for ALL of you is peace...strength...and love.

xoxoxo

It's important that people should know what you stand for. It's equally important that they know what you won't stand for. --Mary H. Waldrip