Almost every Sunday, this quote is printed in our church bulletin. And every time I read it, it hits me just as strongly as it did the week before. Mother Theresa was most definitely a saint in countless ways, and the message she sends us with her words is one I definitely need to be reminded of - and often.
I know that before I became a parent, I most certainly thought to myself, in observation of other parents interacting with their children, "I will never do that." I might have even thought, "Wow, they don't have that child under control!" At times, I probably even made a comment under my breath, or to another person, after the fact. And then, I can remember one time, after saying that I would never do this or that with my child, an older adult said to me, very kindly, "You never know WHAT you will do when you have children, so just remember that." And I remembered it and it rings true today!
Some might say it's karma. I don't really know what to call it. Here's what I think of karma: It's really just a way of saying that you need to CHANGE something about yourself, whether it's the way you treat someone, what you think of someone, or, in a case like this, how you are judging someone. Something happens that sort of slaps you in the face, and the reason it slaps you in the face is because you were once guilty of it yourself and now someone is doing the same thing to you! It's never fun when it happens, but it is almost always necessary.
Although I never expected this to be a huge lesson during my journey of becoming Catholic, one of the topics that came up in almost every meeting was that we are not supposed to judge others. Period. It's not our place. None of us were put on this Earth with the role of judging someone's character, yet I see many of us really struggling with that daily, and for some people, it almost defines who they are. For example, they might see it as their role in a family to decide what another family member is or isn't when, in fact, may know very little about them.
With regard to motherhood, what I can say is that I definitely learned the lesson Mother Theresa tried to teach us. As an imperfect mother, I know there are "perfect" moms out there judging everything I do or don't do. Anything from our choice to use time out instead of corporal punishment (how dare we choose to use the non-violent approach that I quickly learned is almost unheard of in the South...you can imagine the looks we get), to how or where our child plays, to what he wears (or in some cases, what he doesn't wear), to how serious we take our responsibility to keeping our child healthy and safe from things that are unhealthy and unsafe, to how we should potty train (my favorite was a statement that implied that when parents get sick of buying diapers, they'll get their kids potty trained. Right...because of course my 3 year old is going to understand the concept of, control your bladder, Mommy doesn't want to buy diapers).
We, as parents, have grown accustomed to EXPLAINING why we do what we do, perhaps to prevent the judgment that almost always follows. However, I have actually reached the point where I do NOT explain, unless someone specifically asks me WHY. The reason? Almost 100% of the time, if they have taken the time to ASK me for more information, it is because they truly want to know and be educated - not because they are judging me. The ones coming at us with judgment usually just rattle off some sarcastic comment (and I love when it's the ones who aren't parents, because you know, they clearly have the most experience...as I did when it was me!).
Just a quick note about that. If you aren't yet a parent, your vote pretty much doesn't count in the eyes of this parent. You can go on and on and on about how or why you know this or that, but until you give birth, you don't. If you have not held my child since the first day, experienced what I have experienced with him, then you don't know what got us to where we are today. Unless you are offering up suggestions or tips (which are ALWAYS welcome, bring them on), just kindly zip it. Also, unless you are a grandparent, close family member, babysitter or have been given permission from the parents (like we have given to Liam's very special Mary Poppins aunt), you have absolutely NO rights in terms of scolding someone's child simply because you don't like what they are doing, or because you don't like the way we are handling it. I am in the room - I've got it. And if I don't, it's still not your problem.
Karma. Trust me, you'll get yours just like I got mine.
As a mom, I now automatically feel the urge to help other parents when I can see they might be frustrated or at the end of their rope. It's not easy raising toddlers, but I am blessed to have a beautiful, loving little boy. And just a reminder: he is a BOY, he is a LALLY, and, again,he is a BOY.
Recently we were relaxing with good friends who are not yet parents. Liam decided to not cooperate for the moment and I was about to put him in time out. My friend asked me, "Now you don't believe in spanking, right?" I responded by telling her that we don't use physical punishment as a discipline, we use time out...and it works. She applauded me for getting through the toddler stage without having to spank, which is always funny to me when someone says it. I got absolutely NO sense of being judged by her but simply the discussion and acknowledgment that we have chosen one method instead of another. It seemed like a wonderful opportunity to talk openly about it without judging each other for our choices as parents.
As Mother Theresa implied from her statement, when we aren't judging each other, we can love.
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